... And I'll cry if I want to. Or something like that. Tomorrow {well technically now Today}, May 12, is my birthday. For most people, their birthday is a wonderful day, filled with lots of gifts and people celebrating them all day long, some even all week or all month. Don't get me wrong, that is what your birthday should be, a celebration of another year passed. Your birthday is supposed to be a marking of time, an opportunity to look back on all that you've accomplished in the past year.
I'm about to get REAL & RAW so proceed with caution! {Don't say I didn't warn you!}
For me, however, birthdays are a reminder of what I haven't accomplished and that another year has passed without that "success" having been reached. It seems to have hit a bit harder this year. I will be turning 38, so it's not a big significant birthday but for some reason, I've been a bit more emotional this past week as I've thought of this mile-stone coming up. I'm not sure if it is because I will also be celebrating 20 years since I graduated high school in a few weeks. Perhaps it's seeing all the people I graduated with (as we anticipate our reunion this summer) and realizing that many of them have gained that "success" that I talked about earlier.
Now, success means something different for each individual. For some it is wealth, for others it is tied to their work or their home or their car or perhaps their family. For me, the only thing I EVER wanted to be, the thing that is a constant desire in my life is to be a MOM. Perhaps the emotion comes because we just celebrated Mother's Day (which occasionally actually falls on my birthday) coupled with the fact that because I live here in Mexico, I got to "celebrate" it twice, once on Sunday, May 8 for the US and again on Tuesday, May 10 here in Mexico.
It seems it is all a blinding, neon, flashing, blaring reminder that I have FAILED!
I am a FAILURE!
I'm about to get REAL & RAW so proceed with caution! {Don't say I didn't warn you!}
For me, however, birthdays are a reminder of what I haven't accomplished and that another year has passed without that "success" having been reached. It seems to have hit a bit harder this year. I will be turning 38, so it's not a big significant birthday but for some reason, I've been a bit more emotional this past week as I've thought of this mile-stone coming up. I'm not sure if it is because I will also be celebrating 20 years since I graduated high school in a few weeks. Perhaps it's seeing all the people I graduated with (as we anticipate our reunion this summer) and realizing that many of them have gained that "success" that I talked about earlier.
Now, success means something different for each individual. For some it is wealth, for others it is tied to their work or their home or their car or perhaps their family. For me, the only thing I EVER wanted to be, the thing that is a constant desire in my life is to be a MOM. Perhaps the emotion comes because we just celebrated Mother's Day (which occasionally actually falls on my birthday) coupled with the fact that because I live here in Mexico, I got to "celebrate" it twice, once on Sunday, May 8 for the US and again on Tuesday, May 10 here in Mexico.
It seems it is all a blinding, neon, flashing, blaring reminder that I have FAILED!
I am a FAILURE!
(stay with me here)
If my success is found in being a MOM, I have FAILED MISERABLY!!
I am not a mom, I have no children. I see my fellow graduates 20 years later and many have kids that will soon be graduating high school themselves. I see kids that I babysat when I was in middle school and high school who now are married and having babies, some of those babies are already 10 or older. Over the past "casi" 10 years that I've lived here in Mexico, I've lost count of all the friends that I've seen meet, fall in love, get married and have children right before my eyes, many of them my former roomies so I literally got to watch the first parts happen. Every time I turn around it seems someone else is starting a family and while I am so very happy to my core for them, I am reminded of my failure.
The intensity of the emotion is so great that I find myself tearing up if I think about it too long. I've almost cried myself to sleep the past several nights but was able to distract myself long enough to point my thoughts in a new direction. I push down those thoughts, those feelings until they can't hurt me any longer. Unfortunately, they are still there, they still exist and push their way back up in the most inconvenient of times; as I watch two moms with their barely 2 month old babies sitting together, sharing that bond; as I scroll through social media with images of friends and family being super sappy over their little ones; as I'm passing our soon-to-be property heading home tonight & praying for more families and the children that will be educated in our future school; as I sit here typing this.
Now I know many of you are thinking, "awe Sheril, {you are not a failure}, {you've accomplished so much}, {you are a mom just not in the traditional sense}, {fill in the blank}". I get all of that and those are the thoughts that crowd my mind the majority of the year. I KNOW that I am not a failure. I KNOW that I have accomplished so much with the Lord. I KNOW that while I have not physically bore children, I have had a hand in raising hundreds of kiddos throughout the years, through babysitting, nannying, teaching, mentoring, aunting, etc.
I KNOW ALL OF THIS!
But it's not the same. My heart literally aches at times, during this time of year, at the thought that I'm that much further from my "success" and that much closer to the end of the possibility.
So why do I share all of this with you? Why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable and write something so "Debbie Downer" for you to read? Why do I subject myself to this torture of sadness, letting my feelings flow as I attempt to put them down on "paper"?
It is NOT for your pity! Far from it.
It is to say that this is something I struggle with. This is something that I desperately need your prayers for specifically on my birthday but all throughout the year as Satan tries to discourage me through this, my failure.
I've had it out with God on countless occasions about this and He remains steady and strong. He is my constant companion. He always holds me, stroking my hair, patting my back while I bawl my eyes out in frustration. He simply listens and comforts. Eventually I can feel His peace fall over me and I am able to hear His gentle whispers of love and understanding. I am able to lean on Him and regain my composure. I am able to hold my head high and face all obstacles that come my way for another year. I am able to see all the beautiful kiddos that, with HUGE smiles on their faces, run towards me excitedly shouting my name when I walk into a room. I am able to enjoy dinner conversations with 3 year olds while surrounded by adults. I am able to embrace the 5 children clamoring to sit in my lap in another meeting. I am able to show them the Father's love because He loves me!
So, if you've made it this far, congratulations! Please send up a prayer for me today as Satan's voice gets louder! I don't believe him but it's hard to ignore someone screaming in your face.
While you're at it, pray for all of the other women out there that have this same longing desire that has yet to be fulfilled. I can't be the only one, can I?
If my success is found in being a MOM, I have FAILED MISERABLY!!
I am not a mom, I have no children. I see my fellow graduates 20 years later and many have kids that will soon be graduating high school themselves. I see kids that I babysat when I was in middle school and high school who now are married and having babies, some of those babies are already 10 or older. Over the past "casi" 10 years that I've lived here in Mexico, I've lost count of all the friends that I've seen meet, fall in love, get married and have children right before my eyes, many of them my former roomies so I literally got to watch the first parts happen. Every time I turn around it seems someone else is starting a family and while I am so very happy to my core for them, I am reminded of my failure.
The intensity of the emotion is so great that I find myself tearing up if I think about it too long. I've almost cried myself to sleep the past several nights but was able to distract myself long enough to point my thoughts in a new direction. I push down those thoughts, those feelings until they can't hurt me any longer. Unfortunately, they are still there, they still exist and push their way back up in the most inconvenient of times; as I watch two moms with their barely 2 month old babies sitting together, sharing that bond; as I scroll through social media with images of friends and family being super sappy over their little ones; as I'm passing our soon-to-be property heading home tonight & praying for more families and the children that will be educated in our future school; as I sit here typing this.
Now I know many of you are thinking, "awe Sheril, {you are not a failure}, {you've accomplished so much}, {you are a mom just not in the traditional sense}, {fill in the blank}". I get all of that and those are the thoughts that crowd my mind the majority of the year. I KNOW that I am not a failure. I KNOW that I have accomplished so much with the Lord. I KNOW that while I have not physically bore children, I have had a hand in raising hundreds of kiddos throughout the years, through babysitting, nannying, teaching, mentoring, aunting, etc.
I KNOW ALL OF THIS!
But it's not the same. My heart literally aches at times, during this time of year, at the thought that I'm that much further from my "success" and that much closer to the end of the possibility.
So why do I share all of this with you? Why do I allow myself to be so vulnerable and write something so "Debbie Downer" for you to read? Why do I subject myself to this torture of sadness, letting my feelings flow as I attempt to put them down on "paper"?
It is NOT for your pity! Far from it.
It is to say that this is something I struggle with. This is something that I desperately need your prayers for specifically on my birthday but all throughout the year as Satan tries to discourage me through this, my failure.
I've had it out with God on countless occasions about this and He remains steady and strong. He is my constant companion. He always holds me, stroking my hair, patting my back while I bawl my eyes out in frustration. He simply listens and comforts. Eventually I can feel His peace fall over me and I am able to hear His gentle whispers of love and understanding. I am able to lean on Him and regain my composure. I am able to hold my head high and face all obstacles that come my way for another year. I am able to see all the beautiful kiddos that, with HUGE smiles on their faces, run towards me excitedly shouting my name when I walk into a room. I am able to enjoy dinner conversations with 3 year olds while surrounded by adults. I am able to embrace the 5 children clamoring to sit in my lap in another meeting. I am able to show them the Father's love because He loves me!
So, if you've made it this far, congratulations! Please send up a prayer for me today as Satan's voice gets louder! I don't believe him but it's hard to ignore someone screaming in your face.
While you're at it, pray for all of the other women out there that have this same longing desire that has yet to be fulfilled. I can't be the only one, can I?
Because this was such an emotional post, I thought I'd reward you with some cute puppies!! *sorry if you don't like puppies.
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